back at it.

I mean to go to bed just now, but I came to check out a 3 mile route (yes, I know I should have that one down by now) and I got distracted...or focused. My half-marathon was on Saturday. I just read a great feature in the most recent Runner's World. And in my photos, I actually look like an athlete-like a runner, kinda. So, I am inspired. And even though the half was ROUGH, I still like running.

First of all, the half was rough. I did 11.some miles two weeks before the race and while it was darn hot out that morning, it was a really good run. That being said, two days later I woke up and did 5 miles, went about my day-to-day, and on my way home that evening I crashed on my bicycle. Now, listen...a million reasons later, I still haven't figured out what exactly caused me to lose control, but I have given this much thought (after lying in the ER and spending quite a few hours at dentists and just lying around-in general). My conclusion is this-I completely took for-granted that I was absolutely, without a doubt dehydrated from my two hard runs and then did my normal life, had some adult beverages, I go too fast on my bike and I don't always make the biking my #1 priority. So, I crashed. I had 2 CT Scans of different parts of my head. I had about 12 x-rays done in 24 hours. But, I am ok. Physically, I am ok. I cried myself to sleep that first night. I may not have cried since. But, I am ok.

So, approximately 12 days before my race, I have to put my training on hold. I did not run again until 7 full days later. That next Tuesday morning, I woke up and did 4.5 miles. It was ok. I felt alright. So, I decided to still do the race. I thought it maybe would just be like a taper. So, I rested the remainder of the week and got up Saturday morning (naturally, not giving myself adequate morning time) and headed to the start line.

I got there-to the Memorial Union here in Madison and felt kinda like I was home. Like a home I haven't spent much time at lately, but nonetheless, like I was home. And as I made my way through the masses to find my pace group...I felt so many emotions rush by me. I felt excited. I hardly felt focused. I was a little cold. But I think the most difficult part was that I felt absolutely, completely 100% alone. My training buddy was back in the pack somewhere. A woman I know pretty well was ahead of me. I had no spectators wishing me well at the start line. It was lonely. And here's where I pause (in real time) and think, "wow, duh..running isn't about the other people. why do i run? its about me. it is about finding yourself and doing your thing." Anyway, the start happened and I struggled, mentally, for the next hour and forty-seven minutes trying to find myself out there on that course.

There were highs and lows. At one point I felt great. At another, I felt some tears running down my face. Why couldn't I focus? Why did I feel so alone? Why did I crash? Why did it hurt? Needless to say, the race went on. The day went on. I found myself working endlessly to be in a "good" place and while I struggled, I think that day I found something out about myself. I am strong. I can do it. I don't need anyone else to get what I want. Literally, I might feel like stopping (like walking) but I kept moving forward. What else can you truly do, in running-or in life, but to keep moving yourself forward. That is really all there is.

And hey, I still like running...so tomorrow, I am back at it.